Lies

Please stop leaving me.
When I'm alone it hurts and I start making things up so that I don't feel so alone.
And that hurts both of us.

I feel like I'm lying to you, even though I'm not sure whether it's something to worry about or not.

It can be hard separating imagination from reality when it's your imagination that keeps you feeling happy.

The unsustainability of western eating habits

Came across this quote on another Aussie female vegan's blog, and for me it just emphasises the ridiculousness of our cultural values in terms of diet. I mean, we are eating ourselves into massive environmental change and collapse, and for what? There is no reason we can't live sustainably off native and local fresh fruit and vegetable produce. When are we going to realise that our current practices are unsustainable, or will we only realise when it is too late?

“We kill billions of wild animals to protect the animals we eat. We then destroy our environment to feed the animals we eat. We spend more time, money and resources fattening the animals we eat, than we do feeding humans who are actually starving. The greatest irony is that after all the expense of raising these animals, we eat them, and they kill us… And instead of recognizing this insanity, we torture and kill millions of other animals trying to find a cure to the diseases caused by eating animals in the first place. When it comes to eating, humans are without question the dumbest animals on the planet.”
- Rave Diet Eating DVD with Mike Anderson, Cure Cancer Naturally

You cannot be a feminist if you benefit from industries that exploit animals

You cannot be an environmentalist if you consume meat and other animal products

Abolition vs Welfare

I do not think it is ok for anyone to eat, consume, or benefit from an animal product or from a product than an animal has suffered and died for.

Is it really worthwhile promoting the reduction of animal suffering, or should we stop wasting time and put all our energies towards abolishing animal-dependent industries altogether?

For example, I have signed my name to letters and petitions to:
Reduce the number of cage-eggs bought/sold, in preference of Free Range eggs
Reduce animal suffering by promoting Free Range meat products
Stop live exports of animals (international live travel, awful conditions)

These campaigns seem to be counter-intuitive to what should be our goal, ending all animal suffering, because they do not challenge the practices or the deaths required, only temporarily improve conditions. Whether conditions are actually any better anyway is another matter of debate.

I feel like if we congratulate someone for buying "free range" we are celebrating the suffering and deaths of animals. Because regardless of whether they lived a "free range" life or not, they still had to endure being killed and the various accompanying horrors.

As M. Butterflies Katz suggests, "there is perhaps more suffering in milk, cheese and egg consumption than meat consumption, therefore choosing to be vegetarian (for ethical reasons) is not logical" (from Vegan Voice 43 (2010), 39). The only logical choice, from an ethical perspective, is to live a completely vegan lifestyle.

I think that I need to grow some balls, so to speak, and stop cowering behind my need for everyone to like me. It's the same as when I laugh awkwardly at a joke I do not find amusing, and actually find offensive. Or when I watch films and someone is bullied, or raped. Why is this considered entertainment? We consume and exploit the violence and suffering of humans and animals alike. There are so many awful things in the world, and we just accept them as ordinary, everyday. We have become complacent, unfeeling, apathetic.

But it isn't ok, and I don't want to support any form of cruelty anymore. I don't want to tell people that "at least you're doing something", because it is not enough. Until there is no more suffering and cruelty, it will never be enough.

Thank you for your support

I have wasted too many days being disappointed by you.

I wish the boyfriend would just tell me if he doesn't like my ideas.

We had plans to have a picnic/barbecue to take advantage of this lovely bright weather because it is easier for me to bring/make my own vegan food than it is for me to find something off a restaurant menu. Then I find out he decided we should go to Lone Star. So now I have to sit there and watch everyone devour massive steaks while I pick at my limp, boring salad. Because let's face it, the only vegan food these places think to serve is salad, and by salad they mean lettuce and tomato.

Also reminds me of the fact that I bought him a voucher for a flying lesson for christmas last year, because he was toying with the idea of becoming a pilot, and he still hasn't used it.

Clearly, I am stupid, and suck.

Saturday Night

Thai food, red wine, face mask.
All the signs of a single girl's weekend night in.
And yet I am not single.

I hate that he works nights, especially weekend nights.
I hate sleeping alone.
I hate that I have to ask him to take time off so we can spend holidays together.
I hate that I have to ask him to take time off for my birthday.

I haven't asked him yet though, about my birthday.
I don't want to have that fight, and it will inevitably turn into a fight:
Why don't you love me enough to know that I would want to spend my birthday with you? Why do I always have to ask you to take time off? Why don't you just want to spend my birthday with me?
I really don't want to be alone, with friends, but still alone.

I'm too F'ing nervous to prepare for my interview, but I have to memorise this presentation. From past experience I get so nervous I forget everything I have learned and end up reading it off a piece of paper anyway, but I'm hoping I have actually gained a little more confidence since I started therapy, and I won't fall apart too badly.

Lonely

I never really feel right unless you are with me.

Sometimes you jokingly say that I need medication because of my mood swings and because sometimes I can't stop crying. Sometimes I think that you are right.

Alcoholism

Couldn't find any strepsils that weren't chewy so had to have the first drink of the night to kill the bugs in my throat. I don't remember the last night I went without a drink, but it's often just the one, so I'm not too worried.

I just can't get sick. Have a job interview on Monday. I need a change. Work has become so toxic lately.

Earthlings

Went to a screening of Earthlings last night. Horrendous, shocking film. It was incredibly difficult to sit through, and there were so many images and sounds that made me cringe back into my seat. I broke my wine glass. It was strangely comforting to hear other people sniffing and crying during the film. Granted, it was presumably an already vege/vegan audience, but it is nice to know that there are other people out there who feel the suffering of animals as their own.

I took two omni friends with me: one seemed unaffected by the whole experience, was concerned that the hippy vegans were going to lock us inside the cinema and do god knows what to convert her, and made a comment afterwards about getting a hamburger. The other was beside me throughout the film also cringing into her seat, gasping and groaning and covering her face with her hands. Whenever we discuss animal cruelty and diet she is always quick to emphasise the fact that she eats *mostly* free range. Of course, this only extends to chickens, eggs, and pork, depending on ease of accessibility. She doesn't seem to understand the hypocrisy of this. It might make her feel better, as she obviously has some concerns about factory farm conditions, but if she is still buying and consuming meat, then animals are still suffering and dying for her gastronomic "pleasure". After the film she said she would have to find out how free range animals died (i.e. whether they died "humanely") and would have to look into the Queensland dairy industry.

At least she was made uncomfortable and may change her consuming habits as a result, even if it is one step at a time. This is better than those people that see the cruelty and are unaffected, uncaring. I can't fathom their headspace.

You can watch the film online at http://www.earthlings.com/earthlings/trailer-streaming-2.php

Coping with Jealousy

Thinking about you being with somebody else makes me want to drink myself into a coma.
Fighting with you makes me want to smoke the sneaky cigarettes that have been hidden, untouched, in my chest drawer for months.
When you leave me alone, untouched, all that will console me is eating and eating until I vomit.

Except that I never do (drink myself into a coma, smoke, or vomit) on the off-chance that you will come back and tell me you love me.