For my birthday dinner with family last week I decided to go to Ahmets at Southbank in Bris because I'd been there before and knew that they had a few options I could have. Or so I thought. The turkish bread is made with milk (which I know isn't unusual, I was just hoping they served the non-milk option) so I had carrot and celery sticks with two vegan dips as an entree. The waitress was very nice when I was ordering and took time to explain what I couldn't have, why, and double checked with the chef about what the alternative options were. Apparently the lentil soup I had had there before was not vegan (I can't remember why) but she told me the vegetable casserole was (and it was labelled on the menu as being dairy free), but I couldn't have the side rice it came with because they cooked it with butter, so I could have a salad instead. That was all fine. However, when it came out carried by a different waiter, he told me it was not in fact vegan, and contained butter.
I just found this experience so disheartening because sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you try to explain what you can/can't have, and you feel like you have been understood, but in reality it seems like the service doesn't care. I don't know if the first waitress wasn't as knowledgeable about the cooking process of the food as the second waiter, or if the second waiter didn't know what he was talking about, or if the first waitress got sick of running back and forth to the kitchen and just told me it was vegan so she didn't have to deal with me anymore.
I'm a very quiet, shy person, and it takes a lot of courage to even ask about this stuff in the first place, so I didn't end up demanding to know if it did in fact contain dairy or not, or ask for it to be taken away and something that was actually vegan brought out instead, so I just ate it, and cried.
It wasn't a very good birthday dinner, and next year I will force my family to take me to Loving Hut or somewhere, regardless of how much they think they want steaks etc, and from now on I will definitely call ahead and talk directly to the chef.
In other news, I am busy getting myself organised to go to Vienna in five days. It is difficult because my sisters don't know I'm going with them, so I'm helping them pack and weed out things they don't need (they're going backpacking so space is an issue) and all the time thinking I should really start packing myself, but I can't let them see! :) Very excited to get away to the cold, although it does mean spending christmas away from the boyfriend. But because he is working crazy hours throughout christmas I wouldn't see him anyway.
12/13/10
11/21/10
Poetry
I haven't posted in a while because I've been trying to get my life organised before I start my new job, spring cleaning, new wardrobe, new hair cut, etc.
While cleaning out my cupboard I came across a book I used to write poetry in when I was younger and more angsty, and thought I would post some seeing as I haven't been feeling particularly inspired or creative lately.
...........
He pushes past, you watch him leave
Follow the curls with your eyes.
He's out of reach, untouchable,
His trust secured by lies.
The flesh that taunts,
That irresistible thrust
innocent and pure,
Can't help but sink into a frenzy of lust.
It's dark; you wait,
Push back the leaves and sigh.
Corruption of the curls
Say your good bye,
He died because he passed you by.
..........
I know it's up to me
I'm the only one with my future
But it's my choice to sink or swim
So if I should choose the safe path and
Fall into the chasm forever
Don't disturb my peace
For although my heart has been broken
And cried to a dark, deathly black
I do still have control of my mind; I am sane
I know when a life is worth living
A leaf is more worthy of life's blessing
Than me with my troubled ways
I cry myself through the wearisome days
Believe me when I say I know what I'm doing
And don't disturb my peace.
..........
They cry
They watch you fall
You're too far gone to notice
Or hear them call.
............
To love is to lie to ourselves
The fallen will never rise
Forever lost in the past
Let our vision remain unclouded.
.............
In other news, this cooler weather makes me want to go walking through a rainforest. I always used to do that to mark a change in my life: end of a relationship, a new relationship, finishing university... It's almost like a spiritual ritual and I love that it is so peaceful and quiet and still so I can really think about my life, choices, decisions, and the future.
While cleaning out my cupboard I came across a book I used to write poetry in when I was younger and more angsty, and thought I would post some seeing as I haven't been feeling particularly inspired or creative lately.
...........
He pushes past, you watch him leave
Follow the curls with your eyes.
He's out of reach, untouchable,
His trust secured by lies.
The flesh that taunts,
That irresistible thrust
innocent and pure,
Can't help but sink into a frenzy of lust.
It's dark; you wait,
Push back the leaves and sigh.
Corruption of the curls
Say your good bye,
He died because he passed you by.
..........
I know it's up to me
I'm the only one with my future
But it's my choice to sink or swim
So if I should choose the safe path and
Fall into the chasm forever
Don't disturb my peace
For although my heart has been broken
And cried to a dark, deathly black
I do still have control of my mind; I am sane
I know when a life is worth living
A leaf is more worthy of life's blessing
Than me with my troubled ways
I cry myself through the wearisome days
Believe me when I say I know what I'm doing
And don't disturb my peace.
..........
They cry
They watch you fall
You're too far gone to notice
Or hear them call.
............
To love is to lie to ourselves
The fallen will never rise
Forever lost in the past
Let our vision remain unclouded.
.............
In other news, this cooler weather makes me want to go walking through a rainforest. I always used to do that to mark a change in my life: end of a relationship, a new relationship, finishing university... It's almost like a spiritual ritual and I love that it is so peaceful and quiet and still so I can really think about my life, choices, decisions, and the future.
11/13/10
11/11/10
11/10/10
Nightmare
I just had an awful dream.
Two geese and their babies came running out of the office where I work in a panic, and I wanted to save them so I herded them into this shed which I thought would be a haven for them because I knew there were other animals in there. But when I opened the door to the shed it was almost pitch black inside, and as my eyes adjusted to the light I saw that there were all kinds of farm animals lying on the floor, and I couldn't tell if they were dead or almost dead. All I could think to do was to find them water fast, and then to start finding food for them all. There was one pig whose face is burned into my memory, it is the most vivid part I can remember from the dream. It looked so helpless and pathetic, like it had given up waiting for anyone to help it, given up hope of finding water or food, and all it could do was lie there helpless and weak, dying.
I'm not sure what it all means: is it simply a dream about my concern for animals, or because I was napping in the middle of a hot day and woke up parched? Or is there a more sinister meaning behind it all? For example, the geese fleeing my work office (significant in light of the fact that I got a new job and will also be leaving) instead of finding sanctuary and peace in an alternative found even worse conditions. Is it just that I am nervous about leaving what I know, or is it that I took this new job instead of waiting to find out if I got the job at the RSPCA? Because the overwhelming feeling I got from this dream was of guilt.
I am not doing enough to help them.
Two geese and their babies came running out of the office where I work in a panic, and I wanted to save them so I herded them into this shed which I thought would be a haven for them because I knew there were other animals in there. But when I opened the door to the shed it was almost pitch black inside, and as my eyes adjusted to the light I saw that there were all kinds of farm animals lying on the floor, and I couldn't tell if they were dead or almost dead. All I could think to do was to find them water fast, and then to start finding food for them all. There was one pig whose face is burned into my memory, it is the most vivid part I can remember from the dream. It looked so helpless and pathetic, like it had given up waiting for anyone to help it, given up hope of finding water or food, and all it could do was lie there helpless and weak, dying.
I'm not sure what it all means: is it simply a dream about my concern for animals, or because I was napping in the middle of a hot day and woke up parched? Or is there a more sinister meaning behind it all? For example, the geese fleeing my work office (significant in light of the fact that I got a new job and will also be leaving) instead of finding sanctuary and peace in an alternative found even worse conditions. Is it just that I am nervous about leaving what I know, or is it that I took this new job instead of waiting to find out if I got the job at the RSPCA? Because the overwhelming feeling I got from this dream was of guilt.
I am not doing enough to help them.
11/7/10
Peanut Butter cookies and Carrot Cake
Going to a barbeque for an omni girl's birthday, and decided to make some vegan treats to take, peanut butter cookies and a carrot cake with vegan buttercream frosting.
The peanut butter cookies didn't turn out so well: why oh why didn't they flatten, and why were they so crumbly?
In the end I covered them in left over cream cheese frosting from the cake, and they became delicious little decadent morsels!
The cake turned out alright though, despite the fact that I pretty much made up the measurements because the recipe was in grams, and as a result of recently renovating our kitchen (and by recently I mean a year ago, but things are still in chaos) we have lost our kitchen scales. So who knows what it will taste like, but it looks fine :)
The peanut butter cookies didn't turn out so well: why oh why didn't they flatten, and why were they so crumbly?
In the end I covered them in left over cream cheese frosting from the cake, and they became delicious little decadent morsels!
The cake turned out alright though, despite the fact that I pretty much made up the measurements because the recipe was in grams, and as a result of recently renovating our kitchen (and by recently I mean a year ago, but things are still in chaos) we have lost our kitchen scales. So who knows what it will taste like, but it looks fine :)
In other news, I have decided I need to cut back on drinking, because obsessively sending drunken text messages is dangerous and unladylike.
11/5/10
Choice
One particularly annoying justification for consuming, using, exploiting, and killing animals is that we humans have higher intellectual capabilities. We have established a hierarchy: humans at the top, animals at the bottom, and this apparently gives us the right to use and abuse those 'below' us.
Below is a quote I found that I think argues against this kind of reasoning:
“Unlike any other animal, you have a choice. You can choose to kill and destroy, or you can choose to save and create. I chose the latter.”
~Edward Sanchez
I think the fact that we have a choice is so important. We may have the facility for intellectual reasoning, but this should not be seen as a reason to justify our exploitation of animals.
Below is a quote I found that I think argues against this kind of reasoning:
“Unlike any other animal, you have a choice. You can choose to kill and destroy, or you can choose to save and create. I chose the latter.”
~Edward Sanchez
I think the fact that we have a choice is so important. We may have the facility for intellectual reasoning, but this should not be seen as a reason to justify our exploitation of animals.
11/2/10
Excuse me, but your breath smells like death
The longer I am vegan the more it bothers me when people around me eat meat and dairy. In particular, the smells are very off-putting, especially when someone you want to kiss smells like dead animal or like sour cheese. I had read on various vege forums that going vegan makes you more attuned to the smells of non-vegans, and I thought it was ridiculous, but it seems to be true.
For some reason my omni boyfriend seems to find me off-putting recently too. It doesn't seem to matter how short the dress is. Maybe I smell like tofu. Or maybe it's because we have been together over a year and a half now, the longest relationship either of us has been in, and he just isn't interested anymore. Seems to have had the opposite effect on me though.
Ah well, just an excuse for another comfort food style dinner with wine. I'm making pasta with a white sauce, tomato, spinach, basil, pinenuts, and mushrooms.
For some reason my omni boyfriend seems to find me off-putting recently too. It doesn't seem to matter how short the dress is. Maybe I smell like tofu. Or maybe it's because we have been together over a year and a half now, the longest relationship either of us has been in, and he just isn't interested anymore. Seems to have had the opposite effect on me though.
Ah well, just an excuse for another comfort food style dinner with wine. I'm making pasta with a white sauce, tomato, spinach, basil, pinenuts, and mushrooms.
10/31/10
Lies
Please stop leaving me.
When I'm alone it hurts and I start making things up so that I don't feel so alone.
And that hurts both of us.
I feel like I'm lying to you, even though I'm not sure whether it's something to worry about or not.
It can be hard separating imagination from reality when it's your imagination that keeps you feeling happy.
When I'm alone it hurts and I start making things up so that I don't feel so alone.
And that hurts both of us.
I feel like I'm lying to you, even though I'm not sure whether it's something to worry about or not.
It can be hard separating imagination from reality when it's your imagination that keeps you feeling happy.
The unsustainability of western eating habits
Came across this quote on another Aussie female vegan's blog, and for me it just emphasises the ridiculousness of our cultural values in terms of diet. I mean, we are eating ourselves into massive environmental change and collapse, and for what? There is no reason we can't live sustainably off native and local fresh fruit and vegetable produce. When are we going to realise that our current practices are unsustainable, or will we only realise when it is too late?
“We kill billions of wild animals to protect the animals we eat. We then destroy our environment to feed the animals we eat. We spend more time, money and resources fattening the animals we eat, than we do feeding humans who are actually starving. The greatest irony is that after all the expense of raising these animals, we eat them, and they kill us… And instead of recognizing this insanity, we torture and kill millions of other animals trying to find a cure to the diseases caused by eating animals in the first place. When it comes to eating, humans are without question the dumbest animals on the planet.”
- Rave Diet Eating DVD with Mike Anderson, Cure Cancer Naturally
“We kill billions of wild animals to protect the animals we eat. We then destroy our environment to feed the animals we eat. We spend more time, money and resources fattening the animals we eat, than we do feeding humans who are actually starving. The greatest irony is that after all the expense of raising these animals, we eat them, and they kill us… And instead of recognizing this insanity, we torture and kill millions of other animals trying to find a cure to the diseases caused by eating animals in the first place. When it comes to eating, humans are without question the dumbest animals on the planet.”
- Rave Diet Eating DVD with Mike Anderson, Cure Cancer Naturally
10/26/10
Abolition vs Welfare
I do not think it is ok for anyone to eat, consume, or benefit from an animal product or from a product than an animal has suffered and died for.
Is it really worthwhile promoting the reduction of animal suffering, or should we stop wasting time and put all our energies towards abolishing animal-dependent industries altogether?
For example, I have signed my name to letters and petitions to:
Reduce the number of cage-eggs bought/sold, in preference of Free Range eggs
Reduce animal suffering by promoting Free Range meat products
Stop live exports of animals (international live travel, awful conditions)
These campaigns seem to be counter-intuitive to what should be our goal, ending all animal suffering, because they do not challenge the practices or the deaths required, only temporarily improve conditions. Whether conditions are actually any better anyway is another matter of debate.
I feel like if we congratulate someone for buying "free range" we are celebrating the suffering and deaths of animals. Because regardless of whether they lived a "free range" life or not, they still had to endure being killed and the various accompanying horrors.
As M. Butterflies Katz suggests, "there is perhaps more suffering in milk, cheese and egg consumption than meat consumption, therefore choosing to be vegetarian (for ethical reasons) is not logical" (from Vegan Voice 43 (2010), 39). The only logical choice, from an ethical perspective, is to live a completely vegan lifestyle.
I think that I need to grow some balls, so to speak, and stop cowering behind my need for everyone to like me. It's the same as when I laugh awkwardly at a joke I do not find amusing, and actually find offensive. Or when I watch films and someone is bullied, or raped. Why is this considered entertainment? We consume and exploit the violence and suffering of humans and animals alike. There are so many awful things in the world, and we just accept them as ordinary, everyday. We have become complacent, unfeeling, apathetic.
But it isn't ok, and I don't want to support any form of cruelty anymore. I don't want to tell people that "at least you're doing something", because it is not enough. Until there is no more suffering and cruelty, it will never be enough.
Is it really worthwhile promoting the reduction of animal suffering, or should we stop wasting time and put all our energies towards abolishing animal-dependent industries altogether?
For example, I have signed my name to letters and petitions to:
Reduce the number of cage-eggs bought/sold, in preference of Free Range eggs
Reduce animal suffering by promoting Free Range meat products
Stop live exports of animals (international live travel, awful conditions)
These campaigns seem to be counter-intuitive to what should be our goal, ending all animal suffering, because they do not challenge the practices or the deaths required, only temporarily improve conditions. Whether conditions are actually any better anyway is another matter of debate.
I feel like if we congratulate someone for buying "free range" we are celebrating the suffering and deaths of animals. Because regardless of whether they lived a "free range" life or not, they still had to endure being killed and the various accompanying horrors.
As M. Butterflies Katz suggests, "there is perhaps more suffering in milk, cheese and egg consumption than meat consumption, therefore choosing to be vegetarian (for ethical reasons) is not logical" (from Vegan Voice 43 (2010), 39). The only logical choice, from an ethical perspective, is to live a completely vegan lifestyle.
I think that I need to grow some balls, so to speak, and stop cowering behind my need for everyone to like me. It's the same as when I laugh awkwardly at a joke I do not find amusing, and actually find offensive. Or when I watch films and someone is bullied, or raped. Why is this considered entertainment? We consume and exploit the violence and suffering of humans and animals alike. There are so many awful things in the world, and we just accept them as ordinary, everyday. We have become complacent, unfeeling, apathetic.
But it isn't ok, and I don't want to support any form of cruelty anymore. I don't want to tell people that "at least you're doing something", because it is not enough. Until there is no more suffering and cruelty, it will never be enough.
10/25/10
10/24/10
I wish the boyfriend would just tell me if he doesn't like my ideas.
We had plans to have a picnic/barbecue to take advantage of this lovely bright weather because it is easier for me to bring/make my own vegan food than it is for me to find something off a restaurant menu. Then I find out he decided we should go to Lone Star. So now I have to sit there and watch everyone devour massive steaks while I pick at my limp, boring salad. Because let's face it, the only vegan food these places think to serve is salad, and by salad they mean lettuce and tomato.
Also reminds me of the fact that I bought him a voucher for a flying lesson for christmas last year, because he was toying with the idea of becoming a pilot, and he still hasn't used it.
Clearly, I am stupid, and suck.
We had plans to have a picnic/barbecue to take advantage of this lovely bright weather because it is easier for me to bring/make my own vegan food than it is for me to find something off a restaurant menu. Then I find out he decided we should go to Lone Star. So now I have to sit there and watch everyone devour massive steaks while I pick at my limp, boring salad. Because let's face it, the only vegan food these places think to serve is salad, and by salad they mean lettuce and tomato.
Also reminds me of the fact that I bought him a voucher for a flying lesson for christmas last year, because he was toying with the idea of becoming a pilot, and he still hasn't used it.
Clearly, I am stupid, and suck.
10/23/10
Saturday Night
Thai food, red wine, face mask.
All the signs of a single girl's weekend night in.
And yet I am not single.
I hate that he works nights, especially weekend nights.
I hate sleeping alone.
I hate that I have to ask him to take time off so we can spend holidays together.
I hate that I have to ask him to take time off for my birthday.
I haven't asked him yet though, about my birthday.
I don't want to have that fight, and it will inevitably turn into a fight:
Why don't you love me enough to know that I would want to spend my birthday with you? Why do I always have to ask you to take time off? Why don't you just want to spend my birthday with me?
I really don't want to be alone, with friends, but still alone.
All the signs of a single girl's weekend night in.
And yet I am not single.
I hate that he works nights, especially weekend nights.
I hate sleeping alone.
I hate that I have to ask him to take time off so we can spend holidays together.
I hate that I have to ask him to take time off for my birthday.
I haven't asked him yet though, about my birthday.
I don't want to have that fight, and it will inevitably turn into a fight:
Why don't you love me enough to know that I would want to spend my birthday with you? Why do I always have to ask you to take time off? Why don't you just want to spend my birthday with me?
I really don't want to be alone, with friends, but still alone.
I'm too F'ing nervous to prepare for my interview, but I have to memorise this presentation. From past experience I get so nervous I forget everything I have learned and end up reading it off a piece of paper anyway, but I'm hoping I have actually gained a little more confidence since I started therapy, and I won't fall apart too badly.
10/22/10
Lonely
I never really feel right unless you are with me.
Sometimes you jokingly say that I need medication because of my mood swings and because sometimes I can't stop crying. Sometimes I think that you are right.
Sometimes you jokingly say that I need medication because of my mood swings and because sometimes I can't stop crying. Sometimes I think that you are right.
10/21/10
Alcoholism
Couldn't find any strepsils that weren't chewy so had to have the first drink of the night to kill the bugs in my throat. I don't remember the last night I went without a drink, but it's often just the one, so I'm not too worried.
I just can't get sick. Have a job interview on Monday. I need a change. Work has become so toxic lately.
I just can't get sick. Have a job interview on Monday. I need a change. Work has become so toxic lately.
Earthlings
Went to a screening of Earthlings last night. Horrendous, shocking film. It was incredibly difficult to sit through, and there were so many images and sounds that made me cringe back into my seat. I broke my wine glass. It was strangely comforting to hear other people sniffing and crying during the film. Granted, it was presumably an already vege/vegan audience, but it is nice to know that there are other people out there who feel the suffering of animals as their own.
I took two omni friends with me: one seemed unaffected by the whole experience, was concerned that the hippy vegans were going to lock us inside the cinema and do god knows what to convert her, and made a comment afterwards about getting a hamburger. The other was beside me throughout the film also cringing into her seat, gasping and groaning and covering her face with her hands. Whenever we discuss animal cruelty and diet she is always quick to emphasise the fact that she eats *mostly* free range. Of course, this only extends to chickens, eggs, and pork, depending on ease of accessibility. She doesn't seem to understand the hypocrisy of this. It might make her feel better, as she obviously has some concerns about factory farm conditions, but if she is still buying and consuming meat, then animals are still suffering and dying for her gastronomic "pleasure". After the film she said she would have to find out how free range animals died (i.e. whether they died "humanely") and would have to look into the Queensland dairy industry.
At least she was made uncomfortable and may change her consuming habits as a result, even if it is one step at a time. This is better than those people that see the cruelty and are unaffected, uncaring. I can't fathom their headspace.
You can watch the film online at http://www.earthlings.com/earthlings/trailer-streaming-2.php
I took two omni friends with me: one seemed unaffected by the whole experience, was concerned that the hippy vegans were going to lock us inside the cinema and do god knows what to convert her, and made a comment afterwards about getting a hamburger. The other was beside me throughout the film also cringing into her seat, gasping and groaning and covering her face with her hands. Whenever we discuss animal cruelty and diet she is always quick to emphasise the fact that she eats *mostly* free range. Of course, this only extends to chickens, eggs, and pork, depending on ease of accessibility. She doesn't seem to understand the hypocrisy of this. It might make her feel better, as she obviously has some concerns about factory farm conditions, but if she is still buying and consuming meat, then animals are still suffering and dying for her gastronomic "pleasure". After the film she said she would have to find out how free range animals died (i.e. whether they died "humanely") and would have to look into the Queensland dairy industry.
At least she was made uncomfortable and may change her consuming habits as a result, even if it is one step at a time. This is better than those people that see the cruelty and are unaffected, uncaring. I can't fathom their headspace.
You can watch the film online at http://www.earthlings.com/earthlings/trailer-streaming-2.php
Coping with Jealousy
Thinking about you being with somebody else makes me want to drink myself into a coma.
Fighting with you makes me want to smoke the sneaky cigarettes that have been hidden, untouched, in my chest drawer for months.
When you leave me alone, untouched, all that will console me is eating and eating until I vomit.
Except that I never do (drink myself into a coma, smoke, or vomit) on the off-chance that you will come back and tell me you love me.
Fighting with you makes me want to smoke the sneaky cigarettes that have been hidden, untouched, in my chest drawer for months.
When you leave me alone, untouched, all that will console me is eating and eating until I vomit.
Except that I never do (drink myself into a coma, smoke, or vomit) on the off-chance that you will come back and tell me you love me.
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